The Rants
by KarrineWinchester
Summary: You ever noticed how Sakura is paired with just about any random character? Or Orochimaru get's confused as if he's a boy or a girl? These are the Naruto character's rants on both fandom and the actual story! Thank you pictures! OC, Crack Humor.
1. Sakura's Rant

Sakura's Rant

"Hey now, I wouldn't call this a rant. I'd say it's more of an opportunity for me to-" "Sakura, get on with it." Naruto cried. Sakura glared. "(Hmph! Rude…) ANYWAY… Hello all! Sakura Haruno here! I'm here to speak out about some of the negative ways I've been portrayed in the Fandom Community. So I'll be simply asking…..

"WHY…?" Karrine scoffed. "Because you're the mean one out of the good guys." Sakura's eyes watered. "I-if it's about obsessing over Sasuke or being to week I'm not anymore! I swear!" Karrine shook her head. Ann whispered, "She's such a liar." Sakura crossed her arms. "And please stop calling me a btch too! Sure I was kinda mean to Naruto early on but that's it! I'm a nice freaking person!" Alex shook her head. "Tell that to Lee, Ino, Karrine, Me, Ann, Sai, Hinata-" Sakura glares. "Lesse…um…yeah! Please stop pairing me up with practically every character in the book!" Karrine, Ann, Alex, Lily *Mute*, Ryuketsu, Imi, Shurui, and Shinko start pleading for you to listen to that one.

"Especially when half of them don't make any damn sense!" Sakura continued. "Like Kakashi-sensei for example. Sure he's a pervert, but I really don't think he's a pedophile. That's Orochimaru's job." The OC's laugh at that. "And Ino? Come on ya freaking perverts. Not all girls act like the ones in your sick-ass "Girls Gone Wild" DVD's!" Karrine nods at that, while every person, not Sakura or Karrine, starts laughing.

"And especially no more coupling with ANY borderline psychotics who have tried to kill me at any point. That includes Gaara…." Karrine balled her fists. Her Gaara was not some borderline psychopath! "I'm not THAT desperate for love." Gaara said. "Itachi…." Karrine tried hard not to laugh at Itachi's comment: "I'd rather make-out with Kisame…." And then Sakura said the unthinkable. "And Sasori…" Karrine balled her fists again and a dark aura surrounded her. "YOU FCKING BTCH! _YOU'RE _THE ONE WHO KILLED _ME!" _Karrine let loose all hell on Sakura.

*Later*

Sakura twitched. "Where was I? Oh, yes, pairings." She cleared her throat and continued, "And above all stop pairing me with Lee just for the hell of it in your crappy SasuNaru fics!" The OC's and just about all canons nodded. Except Lee, but he loves Sakura, so why should he complain? "Honestly, have you even ever considered what ugly little bastards our kids would be?" The others thought of this and then shuddered.

"Well I guess that just leaves Naruto. And I'm sorry to inform you that I just don't feel that way about hi-" Sakura was cut off as Naruto cried, "SAKURA! Either hurry up or gimme my pants back!" Sakura sweat dropped, and you could see orange behind her back.

…..

"I-I uh…Eh-Heh… I should be going now…" Sakura said nervous, and running away, dropping Naruto's pants and leaving the rest to laugh.


	2. Orochimaru's Rant

Orochimaru's Rant

"Hello there my loyal fans! I'm here today to discuss a very serious issue corrupting the Fandom Community." Karrine shook her head at Orochimaru. "You see, it has recently come to my attention that people have been accusing ME of being a Child Molester!" The OC's started whistling, trying to not laugh. "Why some have even been nicknaming me 'The Michael Jackson of Anime!' So…all I'm here to say is…" The OC's widened their eyes. "WHAT THE HECK PEOPLE?!" What in the world have I done to make you think such things of me?!" The OC's tried very hard not to laugh. "I'm just a simple Evil Villain! All I want is Sasuke's Body and-" The OC's laughed, and they could hear the audience snicker. Orochimaru stared. "What? What's so funny?" Karrine shook her head. "I can't believe he doesn't understand. He specifically said- 'All I want is Sasuke's Body'. How is that not perverted?" Orochimaru got angry."Oh! I get the game now! You don't have any actual evidence to support your accusations at all!" The others raised their eyebrows. Murmurs of evidence went through the crowd. "Why you're just a bunch of silly Teenagers who can't get their minds out of the gutter! Well you know what?! Forget the lot of you!" Ann shook and grew red in the face. "Sh, don't laugh, no matter how funny it is." Alex told her. "I don't need a bunch of perverts for fans! Kabuto! Bring around the hummer! We're leaving!" The 'lot' of the stared at a purple purse left on the table. A snake tail curled on it and they heard, "I forgot my purse! Hmph!" From Orochimaru. Laughter ensued rather quickly.

*Later*

"Okay, I know most of you think I'm some kinda creepy Child Molester with a shotacon complex and I'm aware you labeled me the Michael Jackson if the Anime World. But what exactly did I do that was gay? I mean, besides biting Sasuke on the neck. " Orochimaru asked, now not as mad as yesterday."And if you really think about it, most of the characters in this series are gayer than I am."

Lily shook her head, and Ann covered the 7 year olds ears. "Like Kakashi fingered Naruto right in the *Censored*, Sasuke has *Censored* in his name, Naruto kissed Sasuke, Akamaru tried to *Censored* Naruto in a filler, Tsunade and Sakura are more of a man than anyone, Akatsuki wear nail polish and gay-looking coats, Sai is obsessed with *Censored*, Ino can 'get into your body' with her jutsu's, Tayuya sounds like a man, and don't get me started on Haku." Alex screamed at him, "THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE!" Orochimaru sweat dropped. "And when I say 'I want Sasuke's body', I don't mean perverted! You people need to get your dirty little minds out of the gutter! Geez! I can't even say, 'These *Censored* taste funny in my mouth' without someone snickering! And stop censoring my words!"

Alex glared. "…Kids these days…so anyways, I'm not gay, I only look and sound gay!" Then it dawned on him what he said. "…wait, I mean-I eh… forget it. Either way, everyone in the series is a thousand times gayer than I am and that one guy with the heart-shaped sunglasses from **(P.S: I don't watch One Piece, so don't hate, I got this part from someone else)** One-Piece deserves the 'Michael Jackson' nickname a lot more than me."


	3. Hinata's Rant

Hinata's Rant(s)

First, Hinata's inner wanted to say something:

Hinata bit her finger, blushing. Then: "Neji, go crawl into a fcking hole and kill yourself!" Silence.

"U-um… H-h-hello everyone….. M-my name's H-Hinata and… and I uh… AND I-I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO THESE SICKOS!" The others eyes were wide. "And you jerks accuse ME of being a stalker? You're the ones drawing porn of me!" Silence. "I'm sorry if I'm being rude, but quite frankly a lot of you need therapy!" The others started laughing. "And all these pairings of yours…." She blushed. "Don't get me wrong, I understand (and appreciate) pairing me with Naruto…" She said, and then stared hard. "I can even understand KibaHina and ShinoHina since they're my teammates…" She suddenly exploded. "But pairing me up with boys I've never SPOKEN to! Every member of the Akatsuki (AT THE SAME TIME), my RELATIVES, YOURSELVES as OC's and a F&$KING DOG?" She glared. "You people are MONSTERS! END OF STORY…. And your fanfics… ugh… A monkey with a laptop could write better. And half of them make me out to be some easy skank!" The others jaws dropped. "And you call yourselves my fans….But I do want to say thank you to my true fans out there, who I know are rooting for me to do my best and one day win Naruto's love!" Most fell over. "But that's my TRUE fans. The rest of you need to stop making me into some Sakura replacement Naruto uses for *Censored*." Naruto finally comes in and says, "Hey Hinata!" Hinata falls over and faints with a red blush and a "Meep!" Naruto stares. "Ooookay….." He says, putting his hand down.

*When Hinata Awakens*

"Alright, here's the gist." She says. "My name is Hinata Hyuga. I'm 15 years old. I love Naruto. I am not in love with Itachi. And NO, I DON'T have a crush on any member of Akatsuki. I am, however, in love with Naruto. I don't love Sakura. I don't love Ino, I don't love Tenten, Temari, Gaara, Kankuro, Kurenai, Kakashi, Kisame, that swirly faced gut- Tobi I think his name was, Sasuke, Karin, Sailor Moon, or your OC. I LOVE NARUTO!" She listed. "I mean, do you guys have some sort of problem?! Pairing me with the evil twat who basically killed his whole family? Why the heck would I love someone like that? Come on, just because we have… wait, we don't even have the same freaking hair color! You need to get a life, all of you…..ALL OF YOU! Ok, I can let you off if you pair me with the rookie 9 boys, considering I grew up with them and whatnot, but when do you ever see me speak to any of them? Well other than Kiba, Shino, and Naruto. They're the only ones I talk to! So stop pairing me with Sakura and the blonde WHORE! Because I'm in love with Naruto-Friggin-Kun. GOT IT?!" The others nodded and slowly backed away.

"Um, I wish N-Naruto-kun would, uh, w-would c-come to m-me a-and a-a-actually says he l-loves me….a-and t-that every one w-will be ha-happy.

Inner Hinata then started talking again: "Buwahahahaha! Oh he will come alright! Even if he likes it or not.  
And together we shall rule the world and kill who ever we don't like!

Starting with my stupid cousin Neji and that stupid pink haired Sakura!

Can't believe I fooled all of them with the cute shy girl act!" Everyone sweat dropped.

"…. I….I…I wish that….I….wasn't….th-this…..shy…." Hinata we all knew said. Inner Hinata cried: "I wish world domination! WOOT! World domination! World do-mi-natioooooooooon! This world is gonna be mine suckers! Mwhuhahahhaha!" The others finally understood, Not only Sakura has the right to act crazy without people knowing. "WTF Naruto! Stop looking at that b*tch and date me! I am way hotter than her! She loves Sasuke, not you! My chest is way bigger than Sakura's! You belong to me! Believe it!" Silence. "I'm done…" Hinata said.


	4. Konan's Rant

Konan's Rant

"Hey, have any of you noticed that Sasuke is starting to go Mary Sue on us." Konan says, reading a Naruto book called 'Naruto Sht'. She throws the book behind her. "I mean, he's been pulling off all this Mary Sue BS lately…." She shakes her head. "For example, he gains a new power 24/7. He's able to defeat strong characters with ease, he won't die no matter what, he's able to do what most powerful characters can't he's a child prodigy, he's one of the last of his clan, he's getting less original, he's got more screen time than Naruto now, all the chicks love him, etc…" Konan explodes, "The latest chapter was like a f****n Sasuke centered fanfics! He was pulling off all these ridiculous BS like cancelling Deidara's jutsu's like they were nothing…. And he mind *Censored* Manda! Come on! Oro had trouble with Manda and Sasugay can mind *Censored* him?! That whole chapter just showed how Mary Sue he's gotten over the years!" She tries to calm down. "And the title of the Manga is 'Naruto', not 'Sasuke'. Yet I bet Kishimoto's gonna change the title to 'Sasuke' in a few more chapters and then that rooster haired SOB is gonna kill me and the rest of the Akatsuki, then he'll pose and make some kinda speech and get more fan girls. Then he'll crush Naruto's dreams by becoming Hokage himself cause he murdered Tsunade and no one was able to stop him because he was sooo strong!" The others laughed their heads off, and Konan put on her hat. "Kishimoto probably won't kill him off cause he's a 'main character' and they can't die with the exception of Death Note…..and he'll get millions of angry fan girl letters on how killing that mofo was wrong and a bunch of suggestions on how to bring him back and have him gain more new powers so he'll be 10 times the Mary Sue he already is!" She then walked away, grumbling.


	5. Important Emo Valentines AN

_**Sh*t, important AN. I'm going to be busy, sorry, for awhile, and I'm going to be leaving my stories for about 2 extra. I'll return on Monday, k? Alright. Sorry for the inconveniance, but I'm really busy. I may be posting a new story for Pitch Perfect, but that's about it. Sorry again.**_

_**I'm also not writing cause I'm sulking cause Valentines Day hates me... I have no Valentine.**_

_***Cries* **_

_**For Sale: One Heart.**_

_**Horrible Condition.**_

_**Will take anything for it.**_

_**Please.**_

_**Just cut it out of my chest and end my suffering.**_

_***Puppy dog eyes, holding my heart***_

_**Be my Valentine? I'm sorry it's god blood all over it. I can clean it. Just please take it before I faint.**_


End file.
